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Tolah

Change


Photo credit: Ashlee Marie

There is a new energy being birthed through me. I thought I was dying, and it felt like annihilation. An erasing of all I was meant to be and had planned to be. A slow and painful losing of myself into the melding forces of the changing world around me. I did what I thought was required and fought against the shift with all I had. Wild uncontrollable rage at the injustice of the changes being thrust upon me. If life is here to teach me things, these are lessons that I don't wish to know. I would rather leave this body than suffer the torment of this painful loss.


But then little by little, though I can feel the throes of my departing ego, I sense the stillness within the maelstrom that softly speaks of a world gently dreaming into being. 'Focus on the powers within' is the siren song of my soul, for it knows that through death there is rebirth and a cycle begun anew. 'Trust and believe that all you see falling away is no longer serving you. Now you have the chance to live a life of joyful alignment, genuine connection, and love.' But my ego keeps asking, 'Where is the satisfaction in a life flowing with ease and grace? Where is the sense of achievement if your brow is not wet with angry sweat, and your knuckles aren't bloodied from clawing at the hard soil for hidden gems. Surely only then can you straighten your cramping back and say: I've earned this.'


My ego's shadow has been dancing around the edges of my existence for as long as I can remember and the coming of this full moon illuminated her before my eyes. A perfect outline that matched every contour of my quaking body. I stepped forward and felt her edges become mine, and beyond our embrace I saw the void. A vast expanse of space that took my breath away. There was no up or down, no solid ground beneath my feet. A dizzying disorientation that made me feel nauseous and abandoned and alone. I sent out clutching arms to feel for some form or structure to secure myself to, but my fingers just passed through the coldness of my solitude, and I knew this was the end...


...A voice within pressed me to take a breath and conjure up what I needed to feel safe. I panicked, clasping for loved ones to save me, but the feeling of desolation remained. Then a thousand leaves and flowers rushed forward to surround me, cradling me in a flash of nurturing colour. St. John's Wort was the torch to illuminate my path, Echinacea the staff to steady my motion, and Elder the channel to anchor me down into the Earth.


Now I understand that I am being reborn into something new. My ego's shadow is the doorway into an unexpected version of myself - warm, compassionate, accepting, riding the rolling waves of life, not with tensed muscles and grinding jaws, but with flexed knees, wild hair, and giggling ribs. I was immobilised by the terror steeped in the tissues and the DNA of the old me. And yet, the terror was what I knew, my comfort zone, my safe place, guarded by a placid, unassuming, acceptable projection that played the part of Me. The panic of seeing her disintegrate and fall crashing into the sea of my ascension has been overwhelming at times, my mind wanting to flee and find solace in not being here. But here I am, in this body, in this time, in this period of great change and awakening; not just for me, but for the Earth and the whole of humanity. And though I feel the grief of my ego's passing and all it has done to keep me safe, my body is tingling with the excitement of the springtime energy contracting and labouring a shining Divine moment of light that none of us has ever seen before.


I am in the void. And in the cocoon of this time, as I sense my cells shifting and sorting, reorganising and renewing, I am learning to allow. Breathe, release my frenzied grip on the hand brake, and allow. I stand at the precipice between death and life, as we all do, and I have spent my life trying to fend off the dark that threatened to subsume and eliminate me. And now in this canal of change, as I float around in the void space of my shadow, I am tentatively revealing the true me. A flash of colourful wing, a twitch of antenna, a flicker of the eyes. And when the time is right, the walls of the cocoon will crack wide open, I will feel the full heat of the sun drying my newborn body, my iridescent wings will stretch out wide, and I will smile, breathe deep, and take flight.

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